Category Archives: debt and possible divorce

If you really love this guy and want to make it work

If you really love this guy and want to make it work, he is also going to have to step up to the plate. If this means living on Mac and cheese for a time, so be it. Counseling should be an option, and heck yes, I’d speak with mom and dad. They I am sure, would not want you to be used in this manner at all.

The thing is….I DO love him and I DO want things to work out for ourselves and for our family as a whole.

I spoke (briefly) this morning with my parents, just to let them know what is going on, not for assistance, certainly, since this is our mess to clean up.

I’m just so tired of pretending that everything is o.k.. I also shared the situation with a CSW who handles some of my (autistic) son’s stuff (we get reimbursement for diapers up to $100. a month since we haven’t been able to toilet train him yet and he’s six but operating at a one-year level).

I agree that counseling would be a good idea, marriage as well as financial counseling.

After we got married I tried to sit down with him and work out a budget, but he wasn’t interested (similar issues with going to the Dr. / Dentist…..I see my GP & OB/Gyn once a year and dentist twice a year but, in seven years, I haven’t been able to get him to go to the Dr. for an exam or a PSA test — he’s 46).

MMI, by the way, say they will charge $90.00 to take on his case.

How do I get him motivated to do the things I feel he must do in order to do what is in the best interest of our family? I just don’t know. I talk and talk and it is like I am talking to a wall. He says that he understands how I feel. That’s it.

I feel so angry/confused/despairing right now.

Thanks for your comments. They DO help me…..I am just having trouble sorting all of this through my mind and trying to figure out how I can do damage control.

I wish I had something better to tell you

I wish I had something better to tell you, but what is going to make him be able to pay you back at $100 a week?? Will he even be able to do this consistently? My concern in bailing him out would be 2 things, first this is the 2nd go round with bailing him out, and 2nd he doesn’t WANT to live within your families means. It’s really tough to do, but you do have to give things up. We haven’t had cable in over a year. I haven’t given up the internet, but have considered it, and it might go before it’s all said and done. I have looked up all kinds of recipes on the net for Frugal meals but have some nutrition. So you don’t have to live on Mac and Cheese, but I couldn’t tell you the last time we had a steak either.

I have followed your threads here through the months. You HAVE to do what is going to keep you of sound mind. What feels right to you, in a way that will make you feel safe. To be honest from what you have posted in the past, you are VERY concerned with the future and your children’s futures. I think YOU know the answer to what you want and need to do for your peace of mind. What will happen when you bail him out again? Will there be a 3rd time, if his reason for the debt is he doesn’t make enough money to live in the way he wants to live? Maybe it’s time for a 2nd job, or time to go back to school for another degree. Something that will bring in the income that he desires to spend.

I know this has been an issue for you for several months now. How about some money management counseling before you go into debt for the 3rd time. How is he planning to make these other payments (with you bailing him out, + the management place $$), without changing the way you live? I really feel for you, but if you don’t solve the problem, then the problem will just “rear its head again”, no matter what you decide to do. Attitude towards money seems to be a much larger problem than how much money you have or don’t have.

Just some more thoughts

I am wondering if there are any couples out there, on this board, who have successfully surmounted and managed to get past problems of this nature?

If so, I would be so grateful to hear about the process you went through to get there.

I honestly don’t want to divorce. I have two small children, and I do love my husband. I want to make things work. I want him to want it to work.

What I feel, right now, is a kind of paralysis. I don’t want to bring up these issues with him right now, this weekend, but I did send him two very calm and clear emails (to his work email) stating how I feel and what I feel is necessary for us to get back on track.

I’m praying a lot right now, too. Many many thanks, again, for all your responses and feedback. It helps.

Depends on what you mean by success. I give or send emails to my husband all the time and he acts calm – even happy. Then I wake up one day and am told he doesn’t like to come home to me and I am controlling his life. These guys don’t think that straight. And they do not like to feel “pussy” whipped or controlled. They don’t want or respect your opinion – this was confirmed in my case a few days ago. He’ll either start changing or you will start hating or both.

I don’t believe I said all men were like that. In a few of my emails I went out of my way to say both women and men can be abusive. But this woman lives with an abusive man and she needs advice and help. And part of what she needs is to recognize he is abusive and dangerous and he is not going to respect her input – not for very long anyway.